Poetry 5

Cut - contributed by Helen
Once in a While - contributed by Fighter
The Grasp - contributed by Paul
With & Without You - contributed by Kajune
A lovers mark - contributed by Mel
Wandering in a Dream of Emptiness - contributed by HardAnxiety
Slice of Life - contributed by Stephanie
If I Could, I Would - contributed by LilSis
The Sins of The Mother - contributed by LilSis
The Dead of Winter - contributed by LilSis
Friends - contributed by Lucie
What I was, and what I am now - contributed by Mel
Andrew's Tale - contributed by Rainheart
The way your loved me - contributed by Mandy
Self Portrait - contributed by Lucylou
Insanity - contributed by Scandelous Scandenavian
Hear Voices - contributed by Nick
Fox - through a psychiatric hospital window - contributed by Eric
Were I to Stay - contributed by Rainheart
Twilight Hours - contributed by Rainheart
All Alone - contributed by Tracey
My Heart Cries - contributed by Chloe
Mr - contributed by Angel
A hate for my own blood - contributed by Lady whitewolf
Happy - contributed by Tim
How long now? - contributed by Melissa
The Overflow - contributed by Shaun
Dance - contributed by Sean
Pas de Deux - contributed by Mandi
Dad - contributed by Mel
BAR! do you have any mayonnaise - contributed by Johnaduffy
Untitled - contributed by Mel
Stress Ba-boom - contributed by Bilbo
Where is the Light? - contributed by Aliarc
A play of love and lust - contributed by Lady whitewolf
Why?? - contributed by Emma
Coemgen - contributed by Pisceschild
Dark Day Feelings - contributed by Alice
Sorry!!! - contributed by Emma
The Sting - contributed by Nikkie

Cut - contributed by Helen

As I held the knife to my skin,
I wondered what I was doing.
There wasn't a thing I could lose or win,
from hurting my arms like I did.

As the blood drew,
It only hurt on the inside.
After things I'd been through,
It was nothing.

I wallowed in my sorrow,
but I didn't care,
I couldn't tell others,
I didn't want to share.

I wondered if I was going mad,
All these words inside my head,
Is it all because of my dad,
Dealing with his horrible rejection.

I'm only fifteen,
This cant be normal,
but if I'm not then what is?

My first cut was when I was twelve,
I cried and the knife made me stop,
I realised I could hurt myself more then others ever could,
But will I ever drop it?

When my mum found out she cried
my older brother shouted.
They don't realise it isn't easy to stop.

My mum said every time I think of cutting
think that I'm cutting her.
I've only done it twice since,
But the scars are left behind.



Once in a While - contributed by Fighter

Sometimes I think it would be nice to make it through the night
without the confusion and the pain and that familiar feeling again.

To lie there and sleep well and be at peace with myself once more
Instead of the tears and the hatred and the lying lonely on the floor.

Once in a while's better then always
but not as good as never
Once in a while hits harder
and a moment's like forever

That dizzy feeling is weird to explain
and I don't know if you'd understand
Fear masked by selfishness deals yet another bad hand

Like ticking clocks and flicking lights,
dripping taps and cool summer nights
Timeless, slow, fast-moving thoughts
question - problem - answer - STOP!

Once in a while's better than always
but not as good as never
Once in a while hits harder
and a moment's like forever

I hope you understand now
I hope you see the truth
That when I try to scream for help
it's easier just to cry



The Grasp - contributed by Paul

Looking through the transparent skin of life
For something solid to cling onto
Staring hard for the pulse of life within
You see a figure surrounded by sound.
But you're looking for facts,
And you're looking for signs.

And as you stand and stare,
What's there, what's really there?
Contained within those fragments
There is another sound
Another life,
Another you.
The real you.

The tears that you cried, when you reached out
You cried within
And how can you hope to trust what you grasp
And can you hope to forget the other you,
Because you know within your heart
That it's all just an illusion, Anyway.



With & Without You - contributed by Kajune

Without you, the sky is gray
I love you more than my air
More than a kid loves it's bear
With you, it's s sunny day

Without you, I'm really sad
How could I live without you
I'd be in a mental zoo
With you, no need to be mad

Without you, I am not me
There is something here inside
So please never run and hide
With you, I finally see

Without you, I wanna die
I can't live without you now
I love you so Danielle Towns
With you, there's no question why



A lovers mark - contributed by Mel

You were the first true love of my life
you marked me in my heart
you marked me in my soul
I marked your name upon my skin
your still there but the scar is faded and old
you were the first true love of my life
I think about you every day
hard not to really, every time I see your name
after I left you another man came
I thought I was ready to love again
under the moon we kissed on the beach
I wasn't ready to love again and for a blade I reached
it hurt inside more than anything, I didn't want to feel it again, this pain
what man would want a girl marked with another mans name?
I did it to my self and NEVER you did I blame
you were the first true love of my life
you marked me in my heart
you marked me in my soul
I marked your name upon my skin
it's still there, but the scar is faded and old
like the love I feel.......felt for you
but you were the first true love of my life
........so thank you



Wandering in a Dream of Emptiness - contributed by HardAnxiety

HardAnxiety's Blogspot Site

Here and now is my past for real
Or a crazed dream that my shadow has killed
Another's intuition begs the knight to kneel
For the bed of emptiness nearly is filled.

A path is laid clear, so short and true
For the one who follows, a land to rule.

When the shadow behind, new wisdom is found
The path so clear, now begins to drown

Deep in the haze, a struggle thus is born
The two entwined once together now are torn

Scholar and student, blinded in the light
Shedding their eyes with hopes to find
With the intermission of thought, instinct now rules
Ceasing to wonder which is the fool

A choice not made perhaps the wisest choice
Between two paths now they open their eyes
A new world is found, midst a triangle of demise.



Slice of Life - contributed by Stephanie

People with no expectation are the happiest
coz' they never get disappointed.
When you truly fall in love, you are trapped.
You'd better hate him if he doesn't love you with all his heart.
Throwing your heart to a married guy is like
throwing rubbish into a trash can for it will be crushed.
You get hurt coz' you're too blind to see the sign of danger,
which happens to be a guy.
Thinking of him is always better than meeting with him
coz' you can merely have argument.
What kind of girl deserves a good guy!
A passive person's life might be less colourful than an active one,
but they seldom get hurt.
Men's time is limited while women's patience is least.
Riding with a road racer is unsafe but
dating with a married man is dangerous.
Being in love with someone can fill your time with
happiness, sweetness, excitement, romance
but most of the time with
blindness, selfishness, jealousy, madness
disappointment, frustration, despair and even..........



If I Could, I Would - contributed by LilSis

On that day
(Was it just yesterday? It seems that way.)
I held you in my arms for the first time,
and I pictured your life.
The years stretched before us in my mind.
Such wonderful things I wished and planned for you.

If I could take this pain from you, and bear it on myself,
I would.
If I could pass my hand across those scars, and instantly erase them,
I would.
If I could somehow go back in time and start that day again,
I would,
erasing that split-second which changed our lives forever.

I would mend the glass which shattered all around you,
tearing at your little body,
exposing flesh and bone,
and slicing through your life,

If I could make you see just how beautiful you really are,
I would.
But the mirror doesn't show the inner soul,
and all you see is pain,
reflected through your scars.

If I could talk to God and ask Him to explain,
I would.
Was his plan really that much greater than the one I made?
I can't see how.
If I could forgive God, and put my anger in the past,
I would.
Someday, I don't know when,
I may move beyond this and accept it,
and understand.
If I could, I would.

(Written after my daughter's accident)



The Sins of The Mother - contributed by LilSis

(I am the daughter of a hypochondriac who is squeezing the life out of me!)

"How are you today?" I asked,
then kicked myself.
Did I really want to know?
For the briefest of moments I hoped I would hear
"I'm great, and you? How are you feeling today?"
I should have known better,
Silly child! Never learns.
Your answer was classic,
I could quote it by heart.
It's the one I've been hearing for 42 years.
"I'm in pain, and I'm sick, it's raining, I'm blue.
Can't eat, 'cause my throat hurts, my mouth hurts to chew.
My appetite's gone, anyway. It might be the flu.
I can't breathe, and my chest hurts, my heart's racing, too.
My toe hurts, and my back hurts, the pain goes right through.
My fingers are stiff, and so is my neck.
My arms are all swollen, my ankles are, too.
It burns when I pee. I've got 'diaree'
My head aches, vision's blurry, my cut is infected.
My blood pressure's up, my energy's down.
I caught some more cold, when I went to town."
On and on, the litany went, as I pasted a smile on a sympathetic face.
I hugged you, and coddled you, and dried all your tears, but I wanted to scream:
Please Mom, if you love me, stop obsessing, be well.
Quit checking your body for signs of disease.
Start living, and loving, be the Mom that I need.
Bake me a cake with pink candles, and sing me a song.
I never did get one. You were always "too sick".
"Hey, it's your birthday," the kids would call out,
"So what did you get?" How could I tell them the gift that I got?
My Mom didn't die!! (So who needs a doll?)
Who was the child, and who was the mother?
I needed your strength but got all your fears.
It's killing me, Mom, and eating me up.
I love you, but I'm angry and that fills me with guilt.
You're sucking me down and pulling me in, clutching and clinging afraid to let go.
But I have a daughter, now, and she needs my love.
The cycle must end.
The pattern must stop.
I will be the Mother that I never had.



The Dead of Winter - contributed by LilSis

Through the window, I watch the trees,
standing barren and cold,
swaying in the wind,
stripped of their beauty.
Only weeks ago, they flourished,
bright and lively under the summer sky.

In my heart and my soul...
I am them.
I was once beautiful, too.
I was young and alive,
but the sun hid behind a cloud,
Cold winds blew against me,
sapping my strength,
destroying my beauty,
killing my spirit.

(soon, I hope),
the sun will shine
upon the trees again,
and they will awaken, rejuvenated.
So I've opened up the curtains,
and I wait,
with face upturned toward the sky.

I wait for the sun
to shine on me again,
I will blossom and thrive in its warmth.

I know now, that winter is just a season,
and it will pass.



Friends - contributed by Lucie

Never have I been so low,
Nor so alone,
As I have these past few weeks;
But for some really good friends
I could have ended it there and then,
Thank you for keeping me on the straight and narrow
not letting me



What I was, and what I am now - contributed by Mel

I used to be perfect,
slim, smart, and happy,
now I am a freak covered in scars,
unable to love, unable to trust,
desensitized to violence, desensitized to life,
all I am now is an empty shell,
all you can hear, is my pain
before I lost it, my sanity, my chastise, my self respect,.... I used to be perfect and pure



Andrew's Tale - contributed by Rainheart

I am what I was made to be
part of the darkness and part of the light
I am only what has gone before
all its strength and weakness
but I am here no matter what may come
raised to stop the rage or shin in the darkness
there is soul in all of us and hope in it
all that happens can but forges us stronger form the fire we endure
but remember that we endure it not alone
the pain you feel others feel too
be strong when need be
and be weak and fear not your tears when need be
all scares heal in time but not if they are made green
forget old grievances and forgive not jest others but your self blame
not yourself for what may dwell in the darkness
shine the light and see it is just a shadow and nothing more cast by a tall image
look into the light even if it blinds you but do not deny the darkness
find that middle ground to stand on and do not fall when you can fly



The way your loved me - contributed by Mandy

I loved the way you looked at me
with your eyes so deep in mine.

I loved the way you made me laugh
and filled my heart with you love.

I loved the way you comforted me
and held me close against your body.

I loved the way you made me feel
when you said that you loved me.

I loved these words until the day
when you said you didn't love me.

I loved you so, with all my heart
but you took that love away from me.

How can you love me so and then you
broke my heart and took that love away.

I still dream of the day when we
will be together and you will love me again.

But until that day I will wait
for you watching as you.....

Look at her with
your eyes deep in hers

Make her laugh and
fill her with your love

Comfort her and hold
her body close to yours

and make her feel the way you
made me feel when you said "you loved me"

I will always love you and hope
that you still love me

Please say that you love me
and come back to me.



Self Portrait - contributed by Lucylou

She cries when she smiles,
And smiles when she cries,
Her laughter is a teardrop,
Always found in her eyes.



Knife - contributed by Rainheart

Verse 1:
The end of a knife smooth and shiny
if you look at the reflection of it shiny edge
how less cruel the face that looks back is
look long enough and you will see your soul in those raged eye

The pain in all its metallic glory
all ways trying to cut deeper
but the knife is never sharp enough
and even the smallest cuts take to long to heal.

Verse 2:
Red and think like no other fluid how easy
it is to forget it is what keeps you alive
the wounds will heal
but the scars remain
how easy it is to change the blame
it is the only way I know to keep my sane

Verse 3:
You feel pride at the cut and wish you could show them all
but you must hide it form the world
form the ones that you love or they will turn on you
they do not understand
but in the final thought that cross's your mind as the blade drags
its way across your skin are you trying to hurt yourself
or them

Verse 4:
It is like an addiction, this is self destruction in every sense
waiting for the pain the knife will bring but it is never enough
no matter how much you try to take more you never can
for you both still fear death but hope for it ever time

Chorus No matter how mad it maybe it is you still feel
the need, the want
as if the blade calls you back
like a moth to a flame
it feels like salvation
but is it just damnation



Insanity - contributed by Scandelous Scandenavian

A cricket chirps in the distance
A clock ticks in a room
Towns are silent with pestilence
The flowers have ceased to bloom

The walls in this room are white
The nails hang no pictures
The clouds obscure the stars of night
Empty are the city's structures

Black is the cat
Silent is the wind
Sleeping is the rat
Gone is the Cheshire cat's grin

The world has long gone to sleep
And here I sit with my mind to keep



Hear Voices - contributed by Nick

You might call it crazy
why, it's patently absurd
that folks with mental health problems
have no right to be heard

While docs ply you with chemicals
to 're-balance' your brain
they rarely take the time to talk
to hear from where you came

Somehow we'll have to make them see
all experience is real
so's what we think about our lives
and how that makes us feel.



Fox - through a psychiatric hospital window - contributed by Eric

He appeared from the south
As the squirrels were feeding.
He was beautiful, casual.
A creature of breeding.

The world had stood still.
There was no rush, no hurry.
He padded on slowly
No intention to scurry.

"How sad", I reflected,
how free his domain,
while I was a slave
To my watch and the train.

Past my window he ambled
His magnificence shining.
My heart leapt with joy
My sad mood declining.

In a flash he was gone,
And I - a changed man -
Determined, hopeful,
Catching life as I can.

I had oft seen these creatures,
From afar, or not living,
But here was magnificence,
Delight freely given.

Yet. A lone incident?
A unique apparition?
His appearances were frequent.
His exploits a tradition.

The fox of St Andrews,
Was beautiful. Appealing.
A vital ingredient
Of my emotional healing.

St. Andrews hospital
A spiritual beacon.
A special sanctuary,
If solace I'm seeking.

A citadel. Fortress.
Flag of hope uncurled.
To protect me and shield me
From the woes of the world.

Unlike my great fox
I must face life, in fact.
But confident, fortified
Defences intact.

As he roams St Andrews
My fox is so safe
As protected as I am.
- On the sea, not a wave.

Outside I can venture,
Armed for the fray.
Timetables. Trains. Watches.
Frustrations. Delay.

The cold, dark, wet world.
Now a simple sojourn
Is warm, light and welcoming.
As it waits my return.

But stay here, my friend.
Do not venture outside,
Where the hounds and the hellions
Will track down your hide.

Keep us all entertained
Bring a sigh, smile or tear.
Well up joy, quiet pride
Chase away every fear.

I, too, had a hound.
I, too, had a hellion.
They lived only until
my glorious rebellion.

They were omnipotent,
invincible, the Gods of the river.
But St Andrews had armed me
- They're now gone. Forever.

Should ever I falter
overwhelmed with concern.
The Knights of St Andrews
await my return.

With lances a-gleaming
and sharp swords a-rattle
They would hold me, enfold me
and join in the battle.

An invincible army
it would soon turn the tide.
Even Beelzebub's bastions would
Fall in it's stride.

And overcome darkness
perdition and sin
and the army of horrors
that are screaming within.

But the Knights of St Andrews,
though impatience they deign,
Will await through eternity,
but, always, in vain.

For a new dawn has broken
I am, again, whole.
My heart quietly singing.
My spirit. My soul.

The warmth of humanity
seeped into my mind.
Now depression, despair,
are left far behind.

The darkness has long gone,
with the cancerous pox.
I am wholesome and ready,
with the craft of the fox.



Were I to Stay - contributed by Rainheart

People look for it all around
In the city
In the country
they don't find it any were
but you don't have to travel far to find that hope
it was here all along so maybe you never lost it
maybe the hope lost you

I swore my last oath on this
one in blood
one it tears
one in sweet
and it was my path to salvation
but I lost my way

My faith on the ideal was lost and won like a dollar bill
but worth more then anything

But less import things become stashed and burned
like my faith in me

Were I to stay you never know
I could climb a great mountain
or swing the greatest sea
but I don't plain to stay

First I need to
push all those that I love away
so when I live no one will care

People don't hate god the don't care
but people hate those that have faith even in them selfs
and a fragile thing is faith and when cracked never meant the same

Then no one will would hear you last gasp
or be when you drowned

I am the man of many meanings
some right wrong but that does not make
my a mad man it makes me wise
did I forget conceit is a friend of mine



Twilight Hours - contributed by Rainheart

Verse 1:
Only in the darkness moment
those twilight hours
then can I break
so no one see the tears
or look on my face
I want to be alone in the hole human race.

I want to rest
I need to hind
where dreams do not crumble
and hope still shines
I can dream and I rest in the arms of a willow tree

Verse 2:
sleep but dream or rest
if only I could leave it all behind
forget the path
fall into the darkness
the moon rises in the sky
the cold is never the the only path
and there is much more to the road then my blood

Verse 3:
I alone travel, I alone I stay,
only then in the twilight hour in the moment
before the darkest point, in that moment I live
I have to travel and much to be before
I can rest in the arms of a willow tree



All Alone - contributed by Tracey

As I sit here at 2 am
Is it me or is it them
Why can no one listen apart from you?
Why won't the health profession listen to?
I am feeling so alone
The only help is to drink and get stoned

You have been so supportive of me
And for this family
I am scared I am relying too much on you
Please help me what am I to do?

You came into our lives 3 years ago
When I was at the end of my tether nowhere else to go
I could not love my daughters Sophie and Emily
And you helped me to rebuild my relationship with them now I see

Why won't anyone help me with my health?
I do not know how much longer I can live with myself
Everyday I know for the kid's sake I have to be strong
But I do not know if I can still go on

I feel like I should being thanks and goodbye
Because I feel I have failed with my kids, but I did give it a try
You and Julia have been so supportive throughout the years
But I feel I am being a continual nuisance, and you cannot stop my tears

So much time of late is being taken up with me
You should be helping another family
Another family that perhaps you can help more
Before we know it, it won't be three years it will be four
And so on and so on will it never end
I am so scared you 2 are becoming good friends

I have no one else to turn to,
The health profession doesn't listen to me or to you
I can not take up any more of your precious time with no progress
Help someone one else who goes forward and someone who doesn't regress
I feel your resources should be put to better use
Because I drink too much and there is no excuse

Your support is so valuable to me
But I feel so guilty because you could be helping another family
I don't like taking up so much of your time being a pain
And making you feel we are losing time and time again.

You are too important to me and I feel like I am taking the piss
For all the time you are taking on this I would like to say thank you
but I think maybe your work is done
Go and help another family where the race can be won.



My heart Cries - contributed by Chloe

My heart cries
when I wake up
I go through life mundanely
The fairies in the buttercups
Have not been round here lately
As I wander through this intrepid world
I cast the love aside
Instead I take into me hurt, unconfidence despaired
Enemies close, loved ones away
To help the pain and hurting stay
When I go to sleep at night
My heart cries



Mr - contributed by Angel

When is it dark, when it is light.
When is it light, when it is dark.

Could it be the shadow hiding from the morning light.
Could it be the moonlight in dead of night.

Or could it be the path our heart leads us through every day life.



A hate for my own blood - contributed by Lady whitewolf

Flames spread across my soul,
For a brief moment I was God-like.
Even I would have cowered at my reflection,
Tears screaming in my eyes, I pulled the trigger.

She once had authority over me,
But now my anger had overpowered the both of us.
She clutched the table as if it were her own life,
As she shut her eyes.

An end to arguments, a bullet of hate.
M heart turned cold,
She breathed her last words,
'You'll always be my daughter.'

I dropped the gun,
My heart, the weapon, shattered.
Voices echoed in my mind,
Taunting my mentality.

I had killed myself along with her,
A soul tainted with eternal hate and anger.
Love is strong, but hate surpasses,
Love had let me go.



Happy - contributed by Tim

Happy not to see you
Just live away my tears
Slowly able to adapt now
Changes, unfair, unacceptable, fake
Waiting for another
Unable to adapt at all
Dancing away the feelings
Drinking, smoking, laughing, lie
Still happy not to see you
For the life is still a lie



How long now? - contributed by Melissa

When I was little, I never imagined it'd be like this.
those are the days, I so painfully miss.
and because I'm so depressed
I make such a mess
I say stupid things,
I don't even remember saying.

And the pills don't work,
they make it worse.
what am I supposed to do?
I daren't let myself love again
I'm too afraid to lose
the ones I love the most
are the one's who die first.

I can feel myself slipping,
opening the doors to a new disorder,
I've been so close to anorexia,
but I don't want that.

I'm making my mum ill
she doesn't know what to do.
I feel I've let her down.
I'm just waiting for my turn.



The Overflow - contributed by Shaun

Roll out the minor chords
It's getting cold in here
The distant barrage
Of crowds and distortion
Calms down when it
Reflects off you
And gently ebbs
Into the overflow
Where I can place it in order
And write it down
Slowly reduce it's sound
And hear you speak

Now the late night light
It only shows up
The worry lines on my shadow
That appear with every
Love I find myself in -
That divide my thoughts
And stretch them in hopeless directions
From where I can never find my way home

But the overflow knows it won't hold
And I carry on ebbing
Being carried along
On clouds of breath in cold air
Replaying a silent dream
Replaying a silent dream
Replaying a silent dream



Dance - contributed by Sean

Dance, Dance, Dance through the demons eye
Only to ask the king why

He was a nice old serpent
He shouted aloud, but he was shut out of the crowd

Blasphemy was how he sinned
But the demon came back and saved his skin
Then the revolution began



Pas de Deux - contributed by Mandi

I danced with him on the shores of a waveless lake
My heart ignites as frantic passions awake.
The ebon gloom of his gaze pierces my heart
Weakens me...
But that is who he is.

He is pain, the knight of Hades
Our dance is dark, an eerie sight.
I wince as he holds me up to the height
Of the mountain bathed in sliver.
The lake is still...not a ripple of compassion.

Ah...realise me...
Free me...
Let me dance with my God again, not you.
Anyone but you...alas, he says...
"But I am your prince, you dark prince."

I finally leap away, free from his cruel grasp
Turning me in circles, useless circles.
But I am left...
With memories of my past...
And those memories sting.



Dad - contributed by Mel

My dad is a very angry man,
an angry and violent man.
he hurts me with his words rather than his hands
he's hit me once, twice, three times...I can't remember
what's a smack, or a slap? I just block it out
last time I remember he began to shout
"don't look at me like that! you are not my mother!"
it's what you get for sticking up for your baby brother
he stampeded over, clenching his fists
grabbed my neck, I was a child, it was the size of his wrist
I didn't back down that day, looked him straight in the eye
his arm began to shake and he began to cry
he stormed out of my room, slamming the door
I had won the battle, it's a shame I'll lose the war



BAR! do you have any mayonnaise - contributed by Johnaduffy

Went to Yates wine bar
had two pint's, watched a young couple
who had nothing to say.
They had nothing to drink,
nothing to eat, nothing in common.
They went their separate way.
Sitting still, listening in the same bar.
To an older couple, who had stayed the test,
forgot the rest, they had gone over the barrier.
They had ordered food which got stuck
in the bloke.
Not in his chest, in his throat,
it made him choke.
They almost went their separate ways.
But! Fate held the card, she hit him hard
and allowed him to stay, for another day.
They left together, as always.
Just like they were supposed to.



Untitled - contributed by Mel

It's been ages since I took a knife to my skin,
my blades now rust at the bottom of the bin.
in the shower tears run down my face,
bloodied razors they replace.
the hot water washes my problems away,
cleanses my soul reminds me of better days.
been here so long my skin's like a prune
out of the shower, and stand before the moon.
the moon gives me hope, faith in what's real,
scars are reminders of days when I couldn't deal.
I'm cold, wet and naked so I begin to shiver,
I don't cut any more just poison my liver.
when I'm low I no longer reach for the knife,
the bottle of vodka now saves my life.
either way I cause my body harm,
but it's the only way I can find inner peace and calm.



Stress Ba-boom - contributed by Bilbo

Ba-boom, Ba-boom
The stress is my head is building
Thoughts of death are tempting me
A slow red trickle or a wingless flight
But I know I cannot, will not
It's not even that I want to be dead
I just don't know how to cope with my head
But I fear one day I won't be so rational
So much negative thought in my brain
Perhaps the dull thud of skull on brick will silence it
No, I know it won't
Gotta keep busy, or gotta go to sleep
Just breathe, slowly, calmly
There, it's going, for now at least.



Where is the Light? - contributed by Aliarc

I thought I'd won the battle
But I hadn't won the war
Don't know if I've got the energy
To keep fighting anymore

The darkness is descending
I'm losing sight now of the light
After all those years of blackness
The light had started shining bright

I've got to keep believing now
And remember what I've had
I know how good my life can be
And I also know how bad



A play of love and lust - contributed by Lady whitewolf

I play in the arms of love.
Moving from one embrace to another.
I dare not stare in to the eyes of my bearer,
As my eyes would show no feeling.

But one love's fool didn't let go.
I turned to leave the embrace,
But was held tighter, yet not in discomfort,
So I returned his expression with the same reply.

I raised my head to see my embracer,
His eyes flooded with pain.
He pushed me away, turning his head,
And left and saw me no more.

I am left with the pain of true love,
But with the love of no return.
I thought I could play with love,
But now lust is the player of me.



Why?? - contributed by Emma

Why do you treat me in this way
And never listen to what I say
You make me feel as if I should be dead
And I believe what you've said
You've made me think that I shouldn't be here
And that my death is coming near
Everyday I feel this pain
And feel like I'm going insane
I sit alone in my room
Living in my life of gloom
Wondering if I should die
How slowly time goes by
You don't know how much I hate you
And I know you hate me too
I take the knife
And put an end to my life
Because I can't take it anymore
Then I finally drop dead to the floor!



Coemgen - contributed by Pisceschild

When your heart is engulfed in darkest despair
and every day is as black as night
when you can't see a foot in front of you
let me be your guiding light.
when you feel all cold and empty inside
like someone left open the freezer door
and you want to get off the fairground ride
but you can't put your foot to the floor
when your tears flow like British summer rain
or when they form a huge lump in your throat
when you feel like you're drowning in your own pain
let me be your life jacket to keep you afloat
I heard you cry in the night, like a frightened child
whose lost and not sure which way to go
hold my hand and remember I'm always by your side
to help you find your way home
when nothing makes sense and you feel all alone
isolated even in the midst of a crowd
when your weariness of life permeates your very bones
and no-one can hear your shouts, no matter how loud
you only have to whisper and I'll hear
you only have to think of me and I'll appear
you don't have to cry for me to dry your tears
you don't have to be frightened for me to feel your fears
you don't have to ask, it's already yours
i don't need your thanks, just a smile
don't knock because there are no doors
no price to pay, just stay for a while



Dark Day Feelings - contributed by Alice

You chose to leave this earth that early morning,
it was sudden, you gave us no warning.
The mental health system didn't read you right,
though I tried to get you help with all my might.
If you had had a serious illness of the physical kind,
you'd have had surgery and be mended, but depression is a disease
no one can see with their eyes,
in the end you fooled us all with your affect and demeanor - all lies.
Some day I hope that certain people will know
that the verbal and physical assaults inflicted upon you will haunt them
until it's time for them to go.
It's been three long years without your presence on this earth where you used to bide,
but the love I have for you can never be broken till I'm with you on the other side.

Colin Rivans Stephens
Sept. 2, 1976-March 29, 1999



Sorry!!! - contributed by Emma

I write this now as I cry
Just before I'm gonna die
All these words are blurred to me
Because the tears build up so I can't see
Then they slowly run down my cheek
And splash on the keyboard, and I can't speak
I'm in too much pain to say a sound
I just wanna be under the ground
In a coffin away from the pain
My family makes me feel insane
They never listen to a word I say
I hope you will forgive me one day
You're the only person that understood me
So to my heart you have the key
You're the only person that I could ever trust
But to do this now I must
To free my soul from all this hate
I'm sorry I had to do this mate
I'm sorry I have to take my life
So I pick up the shiny knife
Then I slit my throat
Because I just can't cope
Then drop dead to the floor
At least the pain is here no more



The Sting - contributed by Nikkie

Warm. Wet. Sticky. Oozing across my skin, slowly, surely. Covering all that gets in its way with a deep red pool of congealing liquid.

The razor is my tool of release, the blood a channel through which my pain can slowly ebb away. Each cut signifies a different pain to be released. And with each cut I feel a little less pain, a little less hurt.

The sting. At first, nothing,a silent slash. Then the appearance of ruby red beads, like dewdrops on a spider's web. And then the sting. Hurting at first, it draws out my pain, draws out my hurt, until the pain gives way to a gentle throbbing & the sting subsides.

Blood solidifies & deepens. My skin feels tight. New. A fresh start. As the cuts heal, so does my pain. But once the scratches have gone, there is no release, nowhere for my pain to go. And so I cut again. Deeper this time. Each time I do it, I must go deeper, to make it last. It's like a drug; each hit must be stronger or it has no effect. A vicious circle.

I lie about how the cuts occurred. It makes me feel good to know it's my secret. The razor is my friend. He knows exactly which angle to go in to the skin for optimum damage. Double bladed is best as you feel less pain. But sometimes I need the pain. One day I might use a knife; cut deeper, longer; more blood. For it is the blood I crave. My blood. My pain. Gone. A short release, but necessary. My only fear is that one day, I might see too much blood & not be around to feel the sting.